We Can Work Out
A little Monday message from the Beatles
In today’s Bite Size Pickleball newsletter:
We Can Work It Out
Here’s today’s realization from the Beatles lyrics in the song “We Can Work It Out”:
Life is very short
And there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend
And I will add to that, especially there is not time to be fussing and fighting on the pickleball court. I imagine many of us, or at least some, get into with other picklers, for one reason or another. Or have issues with fellow picklers. Like this post from today’s New York Times Ethicist:
I’m part of a dedicated pickleball group that meets twice a week at 6 a.m. for two hours at a local gym. Players range from 35 to over 60 (like me), and we rotate through doubles matches on three courts. The gym advertises this time as “open play,” meaning anyone of any skill level can sign in and play. But in reality, that level is high.
Our group’s challenge is the presence of one woman who is kind and well-meaning, but whose skill level is far below the rest of us. It’s not about her age or gender — she appears to have a neurological deficit affecting her reaction time. No one wants to exclude her, but we struggle to enjoy competitive play when she’s on the court. We make an effort to include her, but privately, we wonder why she hasn’t realized that she’s out of place.
Would it be kinder to gently suggest she join a less competitive pickleball session, rather than our continuing to accommodate her with quiet frustration? While it’s an open session and we have no right to ask her to leave, everyone wishes she would. When I joined, I knew I needed to improve to keep up, and I did. No one believes she can. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You say that you may be dealing with someone who has a neurological deficit. Encouraging people with disabilities to participate as widely as possible in social life should be one of the goals of a decent society. Sometimes this will require patience. But the terms of participation need to be openhearted and respectful.
That’s not the climate you’re describing. Let’s suppose that, as you suspect, this woman really isn’t going to improve. I agree that it’s not ideal for her to be the object of unspoken resentment and disdain. If she chooses to leave, though, someone else will become the worst player. Will that person then be pressured to leave, too? It sounds as if your group isn’t engaged in an “open play” session — you’ve formed an unofficial competitive club with an implicit skill requirement.
If this is indeed the situation, consider working with the gym to create a separate high-level session so that expectations for those in your group are clear upfront. Or establish a rotation system that naturally sorts players by skill, as in a “ladder” where wins and losses determine court placement. If all else fails, you could have a discussion with her and acknowledge that the early-morning group has evolved into a more competitive session. You could suggest that she might get more out of the beginner-friendly sessions that the gym offers.
Still, I hope that you’ll decide that this isn’t necessary. Playing this sort of game with people of different levels of ability is itself a kind of challenge — and amateur sports are about mastering challenges while having a good time.
We all can relate to the above in one way or another. Maybe we excluded players before, or maybe we were excluded ourselves and it made us feel bad, unwanted, and unloved. We are all on the “playground” again, in case you haven’t noticed. Feelings get hurt, people get triggered, things don’t always work out perfectly.
In any case, life is too short for fussing and fighting, my friends, especially because of how volatile our current world is. That energy spreads, like a disease, and we need to do our best to protect ourselves from falling prey to it. We need to work it out, to be better people, and better behaved players with the community we all have grown to love. We are so blessed to have found this sport, and our respective communities through this sport.
As you read over the weekend, I got into it with a player recently. My reaction was swift and I used my platform to slam him. At the time, I wanted anyone in my local community to know that his behavior was not OK to exemplify. I was especially incensed when I learned it wasn’t his first time, and I reacted because I know I would have never handled it like that, fussing and fighting. But he triggered me. And I fussed and fought.
So, I had a choice, carry the grudge forward and have all the awkward moments where we run into each other on the courts and have to pretend the other is not there. Or be an adult and own up to my part in the equation.
I sent him a text last night apologizing for my part in the argument. He thanked me and said he didn’t see anyone waiting on the bench so they started another game. I didn’t argue the point. I just moved on. I have no time for fussing and fighting. I’m just trying to spread joy and love through pickleball, and anyone that knows me will probably back me up on that. I don’t always get it right, but I do my best. Which is all I ask of you.
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